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the search for the authentic me and the real calling

My prayer recently is for authenticity. To be truly me. Often times we grow up learning how to wear masks. Unfortunately, over time those masks seem to be permanently adhered to our faces and personalities. When you practice being a certain way for so long, it is difficult to not take on those traits for real. Anyway, God is calling me (and I think all of his kids) to something higher and greater in Him. I envision this awesome place where I can walk in the fullness of who He created me to be and fully walk out my destiny on this earth.

But it is hard. Real hard. I’ve always had a plan. I planned my way through alot of the things that I’ve accomplished in life. But now, I often question whether my plans superceded God’s plans for me…which would explain how I often feel like I’m not doing enough. Never content. No peace. I often find myself fearful of multiple things at the same time and I believe it is all wrapped up in my inability to truly surrender my life, in its entirety, to the One who knows what’s best to do with it.

My pastor, Rev. Alyn Waller at Enon Tabernacle Baptist Church, said something that struck a powerful chord in me this past Sunday. He said that the will of God for our lives, our purpose and our destiny, is found at the intersection of our giftings and our demons. I agree. At the same time that my gifts are becoming more and more clear to me, the things that have tormented me all my life have becoming more oppressing and more distracting.

A perfect example are these books that I’m writing. It’s amazing to me how God would call me to write about the very thing that I struggle with…fear. In fact, He has me walking out my deliverance simultaneously (which will explain to those of you who have been waiting why it is taking so long [smile]). There are other areas that I see the same things happening.
I’m a genuinely compassionate and sensitive person. I do know that about myself and I believe that even that is a gift that God has given me… and yet that gift intersects with my inability to manage my emotions and my pathetic people pleasing tendencies.

How do I overcome? Well, pastor said to avoid looking at the circumstances and seek the joy. I’ll admit that I don’t know how to do that yet. When circumstances are so overwhelming…seeing the joy can not only seem to be an impossible task but can also be exhausting. Sometimes you just want things to be easy.

But I guess it’s true what they say…nothing good ever comes easy.

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2 thoughts on “the search for the authentic me and the real calling

  1. Great post Tracey. I’ve learned the same thing. To see the joy and not run ahead of God. There are so many things He’s telling me I will do and has given me to do and I always think that means “NOW” so I drop this and run to that, but I’m learning, to take on very little and complete what He’s already got me doing and wait until He says, “Okay, now go ahead and do that.” A tough lesson for someone who is a “helper”.

  2. I hear you, Dom. I think I’ve mastered the whole “running ahead of God” thing. I’ve been struggling with the notion of God’s perfect will vs. permissive will. I know people say that that there both exist but I often wonder…if God has a perfect will for my life, then wouldn’t having a permissive will make His perfect will…well, less perfect? Nevertheless, I’m learning to loose my “helper” tendancies which really isn’t helping anyone or anything except my own insecurities… and focus specifically on what God has called me to do. thanks for writing.

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